“What Have we Done to Each Other?”

celiabistit
Oct 12, 2022
6 min read

“What are you thinking? How are you feeling? What have we done to each other?” These are the final lines in the movie Gone Girl, a visual allegory of the damage we do to each other over the course of a detrimental marriage, each person stewing in their resentment of the other and too committed to the destruction to walk away. This cinematic masterpiece portrays an extreme extent at which one can desperately arrive, in result of cheap betrayal and years of repression. What is infidelity? We often characterize it when exclusivity is broken in a relationship. Our moral agency, a gift or rather a curse which acquaints our human nature, advises us to make appropriate judgements based on the conception of right and wrong. Similar to most situations driven by our moral agency, infidelity splits into two conflicting hemispheres and divides the public opinion on whether it can be possibly justified or not. While many people perceive the act of infidelity as something unavoidable and perhaps easy to overcome if committed, I strongly believe that it is immoral and categorically selfish to exploit another person’s trust and affection. Therefore, it should be made known, and especially amongst younger people who take example, that if someone does not feel ready to settle down, they can simply not until it is time.

Primarily, infidelity is not inevitable. A given in a relationship should be a trust bond, not a cheating partner. Every relationship we construct is rooted in trust and communication, and even more so when it is two people romantically involved. This ensures stability and a safeguard against external threats. In the instance of infidelity, the foundations of said relationships can potentially collapse and it is very likely someone gets hurt in the process, a consequence which rests in the coils of common sense. For instance, in the article, “How Contingencies of Self-Worth Influence Reactions to Emotional and Sexual Infidelity,” the author who happens to be a professional amongst the domain of psychology claims, “Infidelity is one of the most commonly cited causes of divorce” (43). This straightforwardly indicates that infidelity is often fatal to a couple due to the emotional damage it provokes. The opposing view maintains the stance that faithfulness lies in our biological predisposition as animals. The article, "In Most Species, Faithfulness Is a Fantasy," categorizes monogamy as a myth, and states, “sexual promiscuity is rampant throughout nature, and true faithfulness is a fond fantasy.” As part of the animal kingdom, humans are born to have more than one fixed partner. It is in our nature and biological assembly to be polygamous. Further evidence which supports the theory of our evolutionary urges comes from the article, “Understanding the Cheating Heart: What Determines Infidelity Intentions?” The author, a psychologist and another expert in this field, suggests that, males per say, are driven by their evolutionary tendency and “desire to achieve genetic success,” meaning that they seek to reproduce; therefore, they are born to cheat (75). Surely I could withdraw and pinpoint some truth out of this. We do, in fact, belong to a society that stems from the father-mother relationship, and intensely grooms the scheme of monogamy. Despite that, infidelity touches upon a particular aspect that makes it a wrongful act, and that is the violation of another person’s feelings. What distinguishes us from the rest of the mammalian species is our intricate ways of thinking; malicious very often, but rational at times. According to the rational self, an act of adultery would be enough to not only permanently ravage a relationship, but the person who has fallen victim to it as well. According to the article, "The "Other" Side of Infidelity: The Experience Of the "Other" Partner, Anxious Love, And Implications For Practitioners," the process of healing after getting cheated on is closely related to that of recovering from a traumatic experience (44). This should be enough to make someone second guess what they are about to become the cause of.

Further into the aspect of emotionally ruining another person, I believe that it is morally impermissible to cheat on your partner and knowingly go behind their back, when the majority of the time it will lead to hurting them. We live within a society that idolizes infidelity. How many politicians and successful business men that have an ultimate job, a convenient wife, and above all a dreamy mistress can we think of? It is an unattainable vision that conveys the wrong message to the youth, which assumes that you can juggle a closed relationship in one hand, and the life of a bachelor in the other. We all go through a phase fueled by the exhilaration of the chase. It is thrilling, and invigorating. It stops being respectable, however, when it is done at the expense of somebody else. Those who have been cheated on, as mentioned before, undergo similar feelings to those who have suffered from a trauma. Nevertheless, the opposing viewpoint sustains a different opinion. The YouTube video of a TED talk, “The Gifts of Infidelity | Kelsey Grant | TEDxGastownWomen,” contributes a different, and almost shocking, approach to infidelity. The video displays a woman sharing her personal experience with infidelity, and how it led her to gain the confidence and self-love she lacked prior. She took back her partner more than once after his affairs, and claimed she wanted to guide him out of the loop he was supposedly trapped in. While I do agree that we should extract some positive aspects out of every unfortunate situation, I am still startled by her approach. This woman is presenting recurring cheating something that should absolutely not be tolerable, as a healthy situation that assists in developing self-respect. She repeatedly returned to her cheating boyfriend persistently believing she can fix him, even though the instances of unfaithfulness had been numerous. Romanticizing toxic relationships, in which hundreds of people are trapped in, is terrifying. Moreover, in the article, “The "Other" Side of Infidelity: The Experience Of the "Other" Partner, Anxious Love, And Implications For Practitioners,” the researcher of the psychological study mentions how when a couple decides to engage in group therapy to overcome the instance of infidelity, it is helpful for the counselor to normalize the cheater’s want to maintain a relationship with the “other person” (53). Even though this source does not necessarily target the person cheated on, it presents the acceptance of the cheater’s inevitable bond with the “other” person as normal, and as something that should be accepted in. This certainly can make the victim feel scrutinized, and might as well build the foundations for a destructive relationship. Usually, those who welcome said behavior lack character and self-esteem which makes it effortless for their partner to emotionally abuse them and take advantage of their vulnerability. The article, “How Contingencies of Self-Worth Influence Reactions to Emotional and Sexual Infidelity” subsequently supports, “more tragically, if an individual’s self-esteem is fragile, unstable, or highly contingent on external sources he or she may interpret infidelity differently” (44). Essentially this signifies that those who struggle with a deceptive self-image are more likely to endure this behavior, because they believe it is what they deserve and they set themselves up for failure.

Mostly what we do to each other is damage. As pessimistic as it may sound, it is in our destructive nature. Nonetheless, this does not necessarily mean it cannot be avoided. I stand by my opinion that infidelity is an impermissible act because of the mental scars it can engrave that can often be irreversible. I believe that awareness should be spread, and especially to younger generations, that tolerating such behavior is unhealthy and can really play a role in a deteriorating self-image and mental health. Once stuck in a loophole, it is hard to escape it.

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Works Cited

Angier, Natalie. "In Most Species, Faithfulness Is a Fantasy." New York Times (New

York, NY). 18 Mar. 2008: F.1. SIRS Issues Researcher. Web. 06 Sep. 2016.

DePompo, Paul, and Misa Butsuhara. "The "Other" Side Of Infidelity: The

Experience Of The "Other" Partner, Anxious Love, And Implications For

Practitioners." Psychological Thought 9.1 (2016): 41-57. Academic Search

Premier. Web. 31 Aug. 2016.

Ellis, Myddryn, and Peggy J. Kleinplatz. “How Contingencies of Self-Worth Influence

Reactions to Emotional and Sexual Infidelity.” Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality,

vol. 27, no. 1, Apr. 2018, pp. 43–54. EBSCOhost

Jackman, Mahalia. "Understanding The Cheating Heart: What Determines Infidelity